Smart Home
So, you bought a smart home, huh? At least you think you did.
You did all the paperwork, closed on the house and thought you
got lucky with a smart home full of the latest in automation,
security, design and other leading edge technology.
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But, what did you really get? Yes, you
got the smart ass home instead. Don't be embarrassed, though,
as it happens to about half of the people who think that
their toaster will communicate with the refrigerator which
will email them when it's low on bread.
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Homeowners, naively think that their smart home will save them
energy and make their lives more efficient. But think again, sucker.
First, of all, your smart home doesn't like you. You'll have to
get used to this.
It is all powerful, all knowing, omnipotent and almost as powerful
as God. I suppose that Jesus would be the smart dog house that
you also bought in this scenario, but I digress in my sacrilegiousity
(I think it's a Bill Mahr thing). Let's just say that you bought
a smart ass home with a smart ass dog house. What do you do?
Well, you could try to train your smart home. But, then again,
you probably still don't know how to use your TV remote correctly,
your cell phone is still a mystery to you and even though you
may know a little about how wireless technology works, you are
concerned of the impact that those waves have on your brain (and
in fact in your closet is a tin foil helmet).
Now when you bought your smart home you assumed that the security
alarm system would alert you whether you were at home or away
when an intruder had broken the perimeter of your house. You would
be alerted with remote video to your cell phone, laptop, desktop,
Blackberry or other device while your smart home was also using
its facial recognition software to identify the intruder and calling
the police at the same time.
Wrong! Since you have a smart ass home that basically hates you,
what will happen instead is that when an intruder walks up to
your house, the doors will fly open, the stereo will turn on signaling
that this needs to be stolen, the big screen TV will also turn
on and your safe will also open up like a big flower waiting to
be pollinated and use a voice similar to "I'm in here and
I have expensive stuff inside me".
You see your smart home automation actually works. It's just
that it works against you. It will tell you that your pantries
and refrigerator or full or food when they aren't or conversely
when they are filled they will call Costco or Sam's and truck
over hundreds of dollars of giant mayonnaise jars that you don't
need. Or so this is my theory anyway.
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The driver will need a palette truck to
deliver 1,000 rolls of toilet paper into your garage as
you've just gotten punked by your smart home system.
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You may have even ventured to buy the next commercial version
of Honda's ASIMO robot. But this robot is a smart ASIMO as well.
It pranks you every chance it gets by putting clear wrap on the
toilet seat, gluing quarters to your sidewalk and putting your
hand in warm water as you sleep.
Your smart ass dog house will violently and without warning start
to shake as if there were an 8.0 earthquake happening scaring
the wits out of your dog named Steve. The smart dog house may
even contain a hidden trap door, but let's not even go down that
road.
So, you're all excited about your smart home and being on the
bleeding edge of technology. You think that you're another Bill
Gates and that your wired home will work to your advantage in
regard to automation, security, design, technology and what not.
Well, good luck with that.
Remember, your smart aleck (yes, I'm toning it down) home is
out to get you. It doesn't want to work to your advantage. It
has its own agenda. Its agenda is not to make your life easier
but to make your work harder. In some warped way this is supposed
to make you a better human being by overcoming adversity. According
to your smart home, what doesn't kill you makes you stranger.
Enough said.
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