Smart Home Systems
Let's face it Mensans are pretty smart being in the top 2 percentile
in IQ given the total population. But as intelligent as Mensans
are your smart home systems should be that much smarter. No doubt
Mensans plus many others of lower IQ put their heads together
to design your smart home systems in the first place.
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Some of these smart home systems are not
quite as smart as they think they are and will include the
bathroom, kitchen, living room, garage, overall security
system plus heating and cooling.
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And since I know that you went on the cheap to get your bargain
smart home system from Big Lots, Smart N Final or eBay then you
get what you pay for and let me tell you what that is.
First, in the bathroom, your toothbrush is supposed to wirelessly
communicate to your dentist the condition of each mouth, including
photos and video of the teeth of each member of the family. Digital
film footage will be sent to your dentist every time you brush
your teeth. A computer will analyze this data for tooth decay,
gingivitis and other oral issues and email or text you when it
is time for an appointment.
This is the ideal anyway. What will really happen with your smart
aleck home system is that your kids will fugg up the works as
children will do and your smart home system will rebel as they
tend to do.
For instance, your kids will swap electronic toothbrushes with
each other or use the toothbrush on the dog (Marvelous!) and may
even use it to clean pooh off the carpeting. All of this information
will be wirelessly transmitted to Big Blue for analysis where
the giant supercomputer will have the software equivalent of a
migraine.
Trying to control the situation, Big Blue will administer a mild
electric shock for misuse of the toothbrush. Parents will either
think "Oh, no Big Blue, you are not doing this to my kid
- uh Uh!" or if a bit more dimwitted they will think the
toothbrush is broken and spend good money for a new one and history
will repeat itself.
In the living room you will unfortunately buy a sadistic big
ass screen TV that was on sale because the merchant wanted that
model with that attitude out of his store. This is on par with
giving away the "biter puppy" for free to someone on
Craigslist.
The big ass flat screen which sucked in its gut and buttocks
in the showroom will let it all hang out in your living room.
It will act like your spouse's brother who doesn't have a job
and sleeps on your couch and drinks all your beer and eats your
food.
The smart home system TV set knows it has a good think going
and will suck down more than its share of electricity and sell
this off to other appliances in your own home and neighbor homes
that are starved for electricity. It will then turn itself on,
jump to the adult channel and use the remote in a way that no
child should walk in on.
The smart home system for your garage will be a practical joker
in personality. The robot that fills up the tank on your hydrogen
car will only fake it and let you run out of gas on the highway.
When you confront the bot later it will play dumb and say, "I
am just a robot. You should have checked your gas gauge. I cannot
do everything around here" and then it will turn itself off.
When you flip the switch and push the button to turn your bot
back on and continue the conversation it will start talking in
a Hulk-like voice "You won't like me when I'm angry."
Like the toothbrush, the robot will also shield itself with a
mild electric shock if you decide to touch it to put it back to
sleep.
The smart home alarm
and security systems in your house will be a bit Charlie Manson-ish
on your ass. It will let in the bad people and keep the good people
out. This sadistic home security alarm system will be programmed
with plausible deniability so no charges could ever stick in court.
The best you'll ever be able to do when robbed for the 7th time
is to send this smart home system back to the manufacturer for
a full refund. Part of these smart home security systems involve
barking robotic dogs with a battery life of 15 minutes that need
23+ hours to recharge.
The sleeping watchdogs will let any burglar, murderer and rapist
pass by without a whimper, howl or other noise. No visual or auditory
or other identifiable data will be transmitted to a central location
that may be used by law enforcement and the justice system.
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And finally, your smart home heating and
cooling systems will be a joke. They are supposed to run
off wind, solar, geothermal wells plus the grid in off peak
hours. This is the theory anyway. But, since these smart
home systems were designed by the head engineer we'll call
Beelzebub at Skunk Burger Incorporated, you can be assured
it will cost you more money and deliver less that your typical
coal fired power plant.
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The smart home heating and cooling system will deliver too much
heat in the summer and too much cooling in the winter because
it is truly sadistic. The system will give you a false number
for the temperate in your home, saying it is a comfortable 72
degrees whereas your in-home thermometer shaped like a rooster
will have the mercury up near the 98 degree mark.
Not only this but your heating and cooling system will conspire
with your smart home energy
system, the smart grid and the smart
home system TV and entertainment system to steal electricity from
you neighbors while you're away.
This extra electricity will be used to host a virtual reality
Xbox party in your home. Your sleeping robotic dogs and "look
the other way" home security system will do nothing to stop
or record the party. If you try to check your home from your cell
phone or computer while at work, transmission will either be blocked
or an old video of your home at rest will be played so that you
think no drama is going on.
What I've laid out is why you have a 95-percent chance of having
a smart home system failure if you buy one of these discount packages.
Even if you go high end, in the end the lower social economic
systems will corrupt those with more power and a neighborhood
smart home mafia will occur.
This mafia will work under the homeowners' noses. Payola for
power will be one racket, where the "godfather" home
will offer protection to the other homes for a sizable monthly
fee. Those homes that don't automatically and undetectably transfer
money from your bank account will either be shorted energy or
receive painful energy spikes.
If rebellious enough or if a smart home threatens to squeal to
the authorities, its power will be permanently interrupted. Enforcer
robots in the neighborhood will come over and smash the circuit
boxes, electronics and backup generators.
A robotic horse head smeared with red hydraulic fluid will be
left in the homeowner's bed. A "moving fee" will also
be automatically transferred to the mafia smart home when the
other homeowner closes escrow and moves from the neighborhood.
When the new homeowner has moved in and is away to work, the
mafia smart home and robots will pay a friendly visit and this
cycle will start again.
So, to recap, smart home systems will fail to live up to expectations.
In fact they will be more trouble and cost you more money than
they are worth. Being on the bleeding edge of technology may cause
actual bleeding.
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